I don't know the exact cycle of processing emotions, but this comes close to the feelings I have felt thru my health battle. When I was younger, I was knowledgeable of how I felt, but not knowledgeable of my disease completely. Having a medical background, I could definitely communicate effectively with my GI doctor, whom I loved. Back then, I trusted my doctors to provide the proper medication and medication was the only way in my mind to treat myself. I had never been exposed to the thoughts that diet could change how you feel nor did I ever believe "natural healing" would touch my problems. I was sick, really sick. I never thought drugs would hurt me. I needed bigger guns....or so I thought.
When I started my health struggle, while I was never ultra-private about my health, it was easy to live with in the beginning and when I suffered was as night, so no one knew. I was thrust into the spotlight with lots of love and attention when I had my first emergency surgery. The world knew I was sick if they hadn't before. I was only 25 and worked in the hospital where I had my surgery. So then everyone I worked with and around knew I was sick, too. I was in a teaching hospital, so the med students (who were my age and friends) used me as a case study and I became very comfortable talking about the uncomfortable subject of my bowels with anyone who asked. Great conversation, I tell you.
Fast forward to being married with kids, we moved to The Woodlands. I started getting sick again, and my few friends knew or figured out when I had bad days. Then, the emergencies happened and everyone knew again. Again, I don't mind talking about my health, especially if I can help someone... anyone! I had a lot of sadness and definitely hopelessness as a young mother who couldn't keep up with her mothering duties at times. Then I was just mad. Mad as I figured out that my doctors didn't know it all. They were beginning to feel hopeless with me as well, and started to throw painkillers at me with ease. They wanted to cover the pain instead of helping me get rid of it.
I have said all along that I believe my Crohn's started when I was in high school. I was on Tetracycline, prescribed by my dermatologist as a prophylactic drug for my skin. Sometimes I took it, sometimes I didn't. It never occurred to me that something a doctor gave me could really affect me long term. Shortly after that, I had my first yeast infection, I got puffy and my first stomach pain occurred. In hindsight, it was the imbalance of good vs bad bacteria. The antibiotics had killed the good and allowed the yeast that is naturally occurring in our bodies to take over. At that time I had never heard of Probiotics or Candida Yeast. I didn't even have the internet at my disposal. I did everything my doctors told me. I took more antibiotics believing it was making me better, when it was really making me worse.
I fully believe that that was the beginning of my downfall and that my Crohns Disease stemmed from the Tetracycline. I have said it all along, but no one listened. It's hereditary, its from cows, its bad luck....I have heard every reason. NOW, they think that treating Crohn's Disease is not necessarily about suppressing the immune system (with Humira and the likes) but about adding good bacteria to the gut. I had surgeries that could have been prevented if I knew that sugar caused inflammation and that probiotics help the gut. Now, because of surgeries I had, my body doesn't absorb iron properly and I have additional problems that require iron infusions. I also now take Humira (begrudgingly) and it is causing gum issues, infections that won't heal, decreased stamina when I exercise, fatigue...and major frustration.
After the anger I draw on my strength in my faith. With that strength and enduring years of pain there is wisdom. And there is power in sharing my story. God has turned every last painful crumb into lemonade for us as a family. I, unfortunately, have had a very outward struggle with my health that I have learned to talk about more and more. I learned to be more vocal when I discovered that there are a LOT of hurting people out there. My friends. Their families. We all have a battle going on. I am amazed that truly everyone has something. I am NOT alone in this fight to regain my health. I had to be dragged thru the gutter to be desperate enough to try new and unaccepted methods of healing. I became an advocate for myself and while I totally respect my doctors and their opinions, I have formed opinions of my own from knowing my body best.
And I will continue to share my story as long as God will let me. As long as there is someone to help, I am here to share what I have learned along this LONG road to recovery. That said, I do still rejoice in the thought that my body will be made WHOLE again when I get to Heaven. No pain, no doctors making wonky faces when they see my X-rays, no more people telling me how sick I am. I will be healed. Heavenly healing. What in the world could be better than that?
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