Happy Thanksgiving!

Everyone in my house is asleep at 9:11pm....I love it when it's quiet like this.  I am watching the TCU game {GO FROGS!} that we were all really in to when it began.  One by one each precious little boy drifted off to sleep and Babe and his parents disappeared to their rooms.  As I carried/dragged the boys into their beds I was overwhelmed with thankfulness.  I love them so much.  I hate that so much of OUR lives have been affected by my status and I struggle with a lot of guilt at times that I can't or haven't done things for them because I have been too sick.  I am SO thankful that I am on a good road. I feel for the first time in years that I am on the road to recovery.  Praise. The. Lord.  I don't know why it is taking SO long, but I am thankful for the progress I am making.  I am thankful that I actually ate food today.  It still hurts, yes, but it's not an "off the chart" pain.  I am thankful for my mother-in-law who helped prepare our meal and never said anything when I disappeared to my bed more than once to rest and recoup.  I am thankful for our family that was here today and thankful for my family who wasn't here.

This year, I am thankful for the little things.  When people say "Here's to health & happiness" it means so much more to me.  Health is something we all take for granted until we don't have it.  And when we don't have good health, it affects everyone around us.

I am so thankful for my health.  And beyond thankful for my friends and family that have seen me through the last very difficult two months.

HERE is to Health and Happiness!

Ironically, my sister was diagnosed with Celiac Disease a few months ago.  I think this cartoon my mom sent aptly describes our future dinner table...

p.s. 3rd shot arrived and I will get it on Saturday :)

Darn It!

I have lost count of the days that I have felt pretty good!  How amazing is that?  I am probably on Day 4 or 5.  I still have a specific location that I refer to as my "3am" pain.  If I have had any type of full meal at dinner vs little meals, at 3am I wake up to some pain.  Not intolerable pain, but enough that wakes me up.  These days, I don't know how to measure pain, as I am sure my tolerance is pretty high of late.  I have noticed that some days I feel like I am walking on air.  It's surreal.  It's like the pain was so intense that it just held me down and as it lightens, I feel so light!

Another point to note is that one day last week I lost 5 pounds in one day.  That's not normal for me, at all.  It was the first day I felt sort of "out of body" and the best I can explain it is that the inflammation was going down because the drugs are finally kicking in.  I have been bloated for 20 years.  I know that sounds crazy, but with all my GI issues, my stomach is always puffy or bloated.  The first time I ever felt not-bloated was when I did the Candida Diet.  It was remarkable.  That day, the bloating went down, I felt better, I lost weight.  My guess is all the water-retention that is caused by inflammation went away that day.  I'll take it!

SO...the "darn it" part is that I am not out of the woods.  I went to JLS' baseball party for an hour last night and ate a sliver of pizza. I mean a SLIVER.  I chewed well, but MAN it tasted good! :)  By bedtime it was the heartburn and pain, resulting in a pain pill (which I haven't taken in days), and up most of the night.  UGH. The pain is always in my lower right quadrant which makes me SO nervous that it is a more permanent stricture that won't be helped by the drugs.

I am getting more energy every day, wearing myself out in a good way.  I have biked to school 3 times now and it feels SO good!  I drop to the floor when I get home, but it's just the push I need to build my endurance.  I am skipping naps, which is actually hard to do.  But by doing that, I am ultimately helping myself sleep better at night....most nights.

Definitely measurable improvements, definitely still a ways to go.  BUT, what an incredible miracle to be sitting here today typing with NO pain in this moment.  A far cry from where I was a month ago.  I actually get teary thinking, "What if?"  Where would I be without these meds?  Would I survive?  It actually really gets me choked up to think about and very appreciative of Humira, whether its my first choice or not.  It's allowing me a quality of life that I was no where close to having 5 weeks ago!

God is good.  ALL the time!

Four Days and Counting!

In four days, I have taken one pain pill.  HUGE accomplishment!  I can't describe the relief in pain any other way than I feel like I am dancing on air.  And, Lord knows, I am not a dancer! :)  I feel like a huge burden is being lifted from me and I can feel my world lightening up.  PTL!

The only time I took a pain pill was after I ate something with bread.  I know I shouldn't, but it also helps me gauge the inflammation.  It's really the only way to measure improvement without looking inside of me.  I wasn't doubled over, it wasn't excruciating, but it was enough that I couldn't sleep...and I really wanted to sleep!

Yesterday, we had a big day and I was bracing for it.  First and foremost, I took my second round of shots.  I was up with Babe and JBS early, so thought I should shoot myself with an adult around...just in case.  I am thrilled knowing more medicine is at work in me now.

Babe and I had to split up with the boys and in a big way for someone who really hasn't been allowed to drive until this week.  Babe left at 5:30am to take JBS on his Boy Scout Camping trip while I stayed home to take JLS to his baseball game with WHS.  We left for that at 11am.  After the game, the plan was to drive JLS one hour to the campout so he could camp, too.  Then, WHS and I were to return home to sleep in our cozy beds and relax.  It all worked, dropped JLS off and as soon as we hit the front gate of the camp, Babe called to say that JLS was throwing up.  UGH!  I had bragged to my friends at the BS Camp about putting WHS to bed early and having the night to myself to stay up late with just me and my laptop.  I was SO excited.  But, I couldn't leave JLS sick in a tent and I couldn't leave Babe alone with JLS sick in a tent.  So, we returned to get JLS.  Poor guy.

The GPS told me our return home would be 50 minutes, which turned into 1 1/2 hours because of the traffic from the Renaissance Festival.  Stand still traffic.  JLS' tummy hurt and I was dreading vomit in the car and WHS kept telling me he had to poop and there were no bathrooms in site.  It was a LONG trip home.  We stumbled in the house, sent the boys to the bath and an AMAZING friend had left a complete meal on our door step.  The timing couldn't have been better.  I cried. I know it sounds crazy, but that day completely and utterly exhausted me physically.  I am still such a lightweight and I can't stand it!  I shoved food in the boys' faces and put WHS to bed by 7:15pm  {hallelujah!} I let JLS sleep on a palette on my floor and I crashed.  There were no up late accomplishments, no laptop. I fell into bed after a hot bath and was out by 8:30pm.

Pha-ew.  Today is a new day!  And hopefully another day without pain and WITH healing.

Plugging Along!

Thank you so much for all the sweet messages asking how today has gone.  The last 6 weeks have been surreal.  In the midst of great pain, I was continuously made completely aware at how blessed we are.  How many people care that my family functions and eats and sleeps.  The countless cards that arrived when I needed them most.  I am still in awe of it and so so appreciative and feel so loved and taken care of.  Thank you.  Thank you.

So...Day 3 of no real pain.  THAT hasn't happened in weeks...months, in fact...possibly years.  I still get a shooting pain at times, or a dull pain for a few moments, but nothing that I can't handle.  No anxiety today....and I hope never again.  I did eat some bread today, which I typically have to avoid, but I always want to push a little too far.  So far, so good.  The real test will be at 3am.  Not sure why, but that is always the telling time.

Another good sign.  I actually got a few things accomplished around my house today.  Not big things and most would think they were nothing.  However, I have almost turned into my 8-year-old in that I find myself unable to function and staring off into the distance a lot.  I just don't know what the next step to take is...sometimes its thru the pain and sometimes it isn't.  It's a a feeling that my body can't do as much as I would like and it's telling me, "No!" and going on strike.  The first thing I accomplished was getting my records transferred from the doctor in Houston to my GI doctor here.  I fully recognize that UT Houston is the hubbub and all, but man, the patient care has been far from acceptable.  From stuck in their office for 5 hours, to calling every day for 2 weeks to get the proper forms completed for my Humira and this week calling EVERY day to get a refill on my prednisone.  I didn't want it, but you can't just quit steroids.  I don't know if they are too big, if its the doctor, or the nurse.  Either way, I want to run into Dr. Dural's open arms and tell him I am home again!

The next accomplishment, and it was an accomplishment, was getting the Houston doctor's assistant on the phone to instruct me HOW to wean off the prednisone.  I know I am not completely ready, but I also know it will take some time to come off of it.  I am tired of being irritable and puffy.  So, as of tomorrow, I will start the weaning and it will take 2 months from the dose I am on now.  At least the end is in sight!

The other good news is that transferring my Humira from our old insurance to our brand new insurance was as easy a pie!  I called yesterday to initiate the process and they called today to confirm.  I didn't have to do a thing.  While I already have my 2nd round of shots for tomorrow in my fridge, the new dose will arrive next Tuesday, in plenty of time for Round 3.  Even better, they confirmed that this ridiculously expensive drug will continue to be $5 each shot for the first year.  I reluctantly asked what it would be if I didn't have this special Humira card and she said, "$35."  Amazing.  Kudos to our new insurance.  I hope it lasts...

Here is to a good night's sleep...even thru 3am.  Fingers crossed and prayers said, I am off to bed!

Trying Not to Be Cynical...

I have had TWO days in a row that have been relatively good!  I don't think that has happened, yet, and I am trying not to expect anything but the same for tomorrow.  It's hard, though.  I like to think I am pretty rational and after battling Crohn's for 15 years, I have a pretty high pain tolerance.  However, the intensity and longevity of the pain in the last month has been so great that I have found myself in moments of real anxiety fearing the pain.  If I feel a twinge coming on, even if it's not really bad yet, I start to get the shakes and sweats and my heart starts racing.  I feel real panicky and I get fidgety.  Anyone want to diagnose me?  I am guessing its my fear of the intense pain, as too many times, my pain pills couldn't touch it.  A bout of anxiety, for sure.  It's not a good feeling.  I have great sympathy for anyone who struggles with true anxiety issues.

The good news is yesterday was pretty good.  I pushed myself a little harder energy-wise and didn't push myself food-wise.  The combination was a good one.  By 3:30pm I was ready for bed and didn't allow myself to nap until I dropped dead in bed at 8:30pm.  I wasn't sure I would make it, as mentioned above.  When I get over-tired I start getting shooting pains in my lower abdomen.  I don't know why, but it's always when it's time for nap or time for bed.  Admittedly, I took a pain pill at bedtime, but it was the best night sleep I have had in a month.  I was tired, I slept hard and it felt good :) Wonderful.

The crazy part about yesterday, which sounds absolutely ludicrous, is that I bought a darling stationery company... Write Away.  It's a fun story, but the closing was supposed to take place right as my health went terribly south.  We rescheduled twice, which I can't say enough for the kindness and understanding of the girls who sold it to me.  And yesterday was the day.  I used to laugh that my best exercise has become riding my kids to school on the bike, as that has been about all I could handle recently.  Now, I wish I could do that!  Getting showered and out the door to the lawyers office wore me slick!  I am thrilled, though, beyond words, that I didn't have anything to set me back in the moment.  It all went without a hitch and no one there new I was sick:)  (So if anyone reads this little blog, you can buy some really cute gifts for Christmas!:))

I somewhat expected today to have it's white flags, with all the activity yesterday, but here I am! I am still surviving on steroids which is starting to work to my advantage if I continue to feel OK.  They give me energy that I don't have on my own.  I was able to make it up to the school with WHS for JLS' 50's party and we survived.  I was able to work a little around the house, between rests, but it sure felt good to at least attempt to regain control of my house.  Still a long way to go...

I look forward to tomorrow, as all the boys are in school and I know it's a needed day of forced rest.  I don't want to take any more steps backward, only steps forward.  It's a bit ironic that the last time my doctors mandated forced rest on the couch, I started Tippie Toads from my laptop.  I was still on the couch!  Now, I bought a stationery business.  I can't take on anything more.  So, no more couch-rest!

As for the drugs, I take my second round on Saturday and am actually looking forward to it.  This time I only take two injections.  Then, I will continue with 1 injection every two weeks forever...or until there is a cure...{yes, please!}

And lastly, since Babe started a new job, we have new insurance since this fiasco began.  So, today, I initiated the transfer of the Humira to my insurance.  Gratefully, I already have my second dose in my fridge.  Surely...SURELY it cannot take as long as it did to get the first round.

Highs and Lows

Aargh!  I really want to give that my best pirate voice..."Aaargh!"  I know very well that this process is taking MUCH longer than I am comfortable with.  I am OK with the slowness of my life, for the most part.  I am OK with taking a nap most days:).  I am even OK with spending more time around my house.  It always feels good to slow things down when I feel like I have said, "Yes" to more than I should.  What I am growing frustrated with is the pain.  It's so frustrating to have a pretty good day and feel like I am making progress and then from left field, "Bam!"

Another mention of pain that I think I overlook a lot, but is probably so so common with GI patients is pain upon movement.  Not sure how else to describe it.  I can sit up and bed and think I feel pretty well.  Then, the kids jump in my bed to snuggle or my littlest toot will waller on me and in a second I will feel bad again.  It's the kind of pain that I probably deal with most on a daily basis and I always say I am "Ginger" when Babe asks how I am feeling.  It makes me walk "Gingerly."  It just causes me to slow down as the pain can strike as something really intense or stay dull and chronic for some time.  I can't explain it.

So...on Sunday morning I woke up feeling well.  I sat on the edge of my bed and still felt well.  We went to church and I felt great!  Babe even commented how good it was to see me smile.  I felt that, too.  I felt like I was more relaxed and easing back to my old self.  I was really thinking, "This is it! The drugs are working!"  I am sure that excitement allowed me to eat things I shouldn't.  When I say "shouldn't" I just mean solid food.  Bread is out of the question for me, as it can block my stomach easily.  I try to eat things that are easy to chew and have to focus on chewing chewing chewing.  Even still, if it can't pass it can't pass and Sunday night was miserable.  I was so discouraged as I sat up in my bed on my computer trying to focus away from the pain....1pm, 2pm, 3pm.  I took a bath at 3pm hoping for some relief on top of 2 pain pills back-to-back.  4pm, 5pm and the boys were up.  I never slept.  I can't even say I pulled all-nighters in college.  So, the cycle continued.  When I am overtired, I get other pains, but I couldn't sleep through the pain.  Monday was miserable simply for recovering from Sunday night.  Can I get an "Argh!"

I was really hopeful to be getting off the steroids, but after that, there's no way I can.  I won't be able to eat at all and be right back where I started from, it seems.  I will get my second round of shots on Saturday.  I am hoping with that additional push of meds that it will help take more of the inflammation away.   I guess my fear is that some of the strictures that cause the most pain are scar tissue and won't be healed by the medicine.  If that is the case, then surgery is still the remedy to remove those strictures. However, now that I am on an immunosuppressant, surgery becomes even more risky because I won't be able to fight infection properly.  And there is where my mind runs wild.  I just can't let my thoughts get lost in the "What if's."

So...the progress goals are these.  I should feel the effects of the medicine by 1-2 weeks.  And I do feel that I am feeling some good effects.  By 3 months, I should reach maximum results of the drugs.  So, the way I see it is by mid-Jantuary I should know if there are permanent strictures.  That is my prayer.  No scar tissue and all inflammation to disappear.  That doesn't seem like too steep of a request, does it Lord? :)

I just keep telling myself to be still.  Just be still and stop trying to control.  Be still and let my body heal, as there is SO much healing to take place.  BE STILL.

Be still and know that I am God.  Psalm 46:10

What's the Pain Like?

I have had several people ask about the pain.  Oh, the pain! :)  This could be long...

Just a little history... most people with Crohn's Disease have a diseased colon, which causes chronic issues with needing to go to the bathroom which leads to malabsorption, weight loss, and lots of pain and fatigue.  I am in a very rare group of patients that has a beautifully healthy colon.  (Blessing #42) My doctors are always impressed!  Unfortunately, what makes me even more rare is that my stomach is affected.  I didn't know this until I went to Mayo Clinic last year, but I have the most severe form of Crohn's Disease BECAUSE it affects my stomach.   Most of the research involves the colon and small intestine, which means most of the drugs for Crohn's target the more distal portions of the GI tract.  This is why all the medications I have taken in the past have not worked for me and why I need a medication like Humira that is more systemic.  My issues lie in the front side of eating.  The inflammation in my stomach is so severe that my stomach is completely swollen shut, thus I have difficulty with my food getting down and often coming back out.:(

When I was in the hospital this month, and I had to go for the eternal scope, they anticipated the food retention from what I told them about my history.  They put me completely under, as opposed to the regular "loopy" so they could put a special tube in to remove food from my stomach.  At that point, I hadn't had ANYTHING more than chicken broth in 8 days and they spent 4 1/2 hours removing food from my stomach with a grabber contraption.  The in and out of the equipment, of course, is what tore up my throat and caused secondary bleeding and trauma.  Eight days of opportunity for that food to pass and it never did.  That is something a normal person does in a matter of hours.

As a drug rep, my sister was in training for a new GI drug.  The instructors told the reps that people with GI disease can feel their food at any stage from top to bottom.  Wynne said everyone was in disbelief when she raised her hand and said, "It's true!  My sister knows where her food is at all times."  They couldn't believe it.  To think of what a miracle it is to have a healthy body and NOT know those feelings.  I think "my Crohn's people" won't mind me speaking for them, but while you are counting your blessings think of even the small ones:)  My favorite GI in the world who took the utmost of care of me told me that when his Crohn's patients talk, he listens intently. He went on to say that people with Crohn's were the most aware of their bodies of any patient he had because of our ability to know and describe multiple feelings in our guts.  I am sure this is a dream to a GI doctor, as a normal person doesn't have those feelings.  Now, if there was a way to make money with those feelings...

The feelings I have are not one, but many.  To start, when I eat something solid, I feel it enter my stomach, as it passes the end of my esophagus.  That is because I have a hiatal hernia from all the inflammation in my stomach. Throughout the day, I can feel my food rumbling around in my stomach, which apparently stays there for weeks.  With that feeling, I get reflux and burning, sometimes vomiting.  I get bloated, which causes discomfort and pain in my stomach.  Your stomach retrains itself to accommodate its food.  Of late, I haven't been vomiting as much because it just got so used to having so much food in my stomach...which isn't good.  I was at risk for aspirating the food into my lungs and even bigger problems.

If the food ever moved out of my stomach, that was really where the intense pain began.  Since I have had 2 reconstructive surgeries of my stomach already, I have an extra exit hole in my stomach that was made to alleviate the pain from my God-made hole.  Now, I have not one, but two blocked exits.  When the stomach is trying to do its job and push food out the door (peristalsis for the medically inclined), it pushes and pushes and hurts and hurts as the food just can't all squeeze through the tiny space that is there, which equals lots of pain.  Then, it gets worse when you drink liquids on top of that.  The weight of the liquids push harder on the food that can't move through and that begins the sleepless nights.  There's no chance for lying down and even if sitting up, there's little chance for sleep with the chronic pain and discomfort.  Many, MANY times I have dozed off in the bathtub at 2am, as the buoyancy of the water allows some relief in the pain.  When my body gets over-tired, my stomach starts to hurt as well.  So, then I am exhausted, wanting to sleep, but can't and the vicious cycle continues.

From my stomach thru my small intestine there are multiple strictured areas throughout.  Every time food tries to pass one of those strictures it causes a great amount of pain, just as it does when it exits the stomach.  When the food gets stopped and doesn't pass, it causes a lot of gas to build up and it gets trapped...absolutely excruciating.  That was actually one indication to me that I needed to go to the hospital when I did.  I could feel the gas bubbles, I could see the bloating and I couldn't burp.  I knew that meant my stomach was swollen shut and there was no release.  Pain, oh the pain.

On top of the strictures I have multiple ulcers.  To see them in the pictures, they are like little scabs in my stomach and small intestine...and the source of my blood loss over the past 2 years.  I can't be certain, but in the last two years I have had to get 4-6 pints of blood, multiple iron infusions, and more recently weekly B-12 shots.  All because those little sores are "weeping"...like a scab that won't heal.  And in that weeping, I am losing blood, which caused my blood levels to actually plummet to dangerously low levels.  (Another story, but we discovered that when the very different and unexplained pain in my abdomen was so excruciating I took myself to the ER down the street at 3am and literally collapsed at the front desk.  They scooped me up, took one look at my blood tests and loaded me in an ambulance to admit me to the hospital for a blood transfusion.)

If you have an ulcer, you know the pain that can cause.  An ulcer alone causes indigestion, nausea, burning, and bloating to name a few.  Food hurts it, not having food hurts it.  An ulcer is never happy.  To have multiple ulcers only increases that pain and I firmly believe the gas in my stomach only intensifies the pain of an ulcer.  It's like your stomach is a balloon with a scab on it and when you blow the balloon bigger it just stretches that sore and breaks the scab, causes it to bleed and hurts like the dickens.

I just hate reading back over this and divulging all the pain I endure, but there are so many different kinds of pain.  I think it even helps for my husband to see the differentiation.  It's not like it's just a tummy ache.  "No, honey, it's not pain #34, it's pain #52."  I struggle SO MUCH with being patient while I am in the midst of the pain.  My husband desperately wants to help and understand, but when I am in a moment, it's very hard to make it a teaching moment for him.  In that moment, I am usually just trying not to pass out and breathe in and out, in and out.  Over the past month, all that pain has come all at once, at such great intensity, that my sanity started to slip.  I couldn't think straight, I couldn't find my words, I couldn't function.  Chronic pain will change you.  It has changed me.  

For the first time in my life, I understand first hand the glorious promises of being renewed in Heaven.  I dream of my earthly body being made perfect and without pain.  I know the deepest desires to be pain free and to be whole again.  It's a concept I always knew and could regurgitate (no pun intended :)) , but now I FEEL it and I know it with intimacy.

Our bodies are buried in brokenness, but they will be raised in glory. They are buried in weakness, but they will be raised in strength. I Corinthians 15:43

It has now been a month since this all began.  I think it was October 2nd that I went to the ER that began this journey.  I have received so many messages about friends and family members who struggle with various GI illnesses.  I hate it for every single one of them and it breaks my heart that GI issues are becoming the norm instead of the exception.  I started this little blog to support anyone going through any sort of illness, especially GI-related disease.  However, maybe this little post will help those people that LOVE someone who is going through anything of the sort.  I know how hard it is for my husband to see me in pain.  I know he wants to fix me instantly and he can't.  I know it is incredibly frustrating for us both.  I hope he never EVER fully understands what I am going through because I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

That said, because of who I am in Christ I know that God will use every ounce of this for His purposes, and for His will.  I know that suffering does not come from the Lord, but He will turn my lemons into some tasty lemonade!

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose. Romans 8:28

And I do love lemonade...

My Sentiments

I know I have mentioned it more than once, but John and I are just stupefied by the amazing amounts of kindness shown toward our family in the past month.  For me, it is so so easy to give.  I love to take care of people in need, make a meal, grab the kids, do the laundry. I am a task master and there are tasks, I am happy to help get the job done.  I know from being the type that likes to do those things that it is something I LIKE to do and its EASY for me to do.  I think nothing of it, when I am doing the giving.  Now...switch the tables and be on the receiving end and its SO hard to see SO many people do SO many things for all of us.  It seems like so much and so much sacrifice on our friends' part.  I have to keep reminding myself that these are our friends and they want to help us in the same way I would want to help them.  A daily reminder to just be still and say, "Thank you."  Why is that SO hard?

A friend emailed me today and asked how I was doing and I feel like I finally {sort of} got into words the way I feel.  Not only do I have a hard time "receiving", but I have had to work hard over the last couple years to let my family and definitely my friends in on my pain.  I don't want them to worry, even though its gotten to be so obvious when I am in pain.  It has been comical at times when I am in a ball writhing on the floor with John panicking asking what's wrong and I am grunting, "Nothing, Babe.  I am just fine."  He doesn't take to that so well :)

So here was my answer to my friend.  The power of prayer has always brought me to tears.  To be the direct receiver of prayer in moments of mind-boggling pain...(catatonic as my mom tells me) and to feel it lift is surreal. And then, only to discover a message from a friend (this happened more than once) that she just prayed for me... How do you put that into words?  How?

As for health...so-so.  I know I HAVE to be getting close to feeling better, as my drugs take 1-2 weeks to feel the positive effects.  Saturday will be one week.  I am getting better about admitting my pain (so hard for me to do) so I will admit that the last month has been excruciating.  However, there is no way to live thru that kind of pain and NOT search for the positive or the pain will literally eat you up.  Not only was the timing PERFECT that John was between jobs for 6 weeks while I have struggled for 5 of those weeks, but we have literally been "Living on a Prayer"  (I sing it daily in my head...lol!)  To discover moments that the pain was so great I couldn't see straight and then feel no pain....a friend would text and tell me she just prayed for me.  THAT is powerful.  To know that God was with me in that moment brings me to tears on a daily basis.  I can't tell you how many times I have cried in the last month over all the love and support we have received from so many people.  It's beyond humbling.  Bottom line...I may still be hurting, but it has to be temporary (it has to!) and we are covered in meals and prayers and support by so many.  We are lacking nothing in the way of amazing kindness and irreplaceable friends.

Truth.  Prayer is the  easiest gift. While it seems so intangible at times, for a girl working through SO much in the way of pain...its the most tangible gift I can receive!

Baby Steps

I did a lot yesterday in the way of activity.  If you heard what it was, it would sound pathetic, but so much coming off a month of little activity.  Babe had his last day home before his NEW job started today.  :) He took the big boys to school and then we both got to attend WHS' Fall Festival and costume parade.  He took me to church so I could have lunch with my precious Bible Study group.  It was so great to be out and be social!  However, those two events alone put me over the edge.  I needed sleep, but sleep didn't come before the big boys were home and we were hyped up for Halloween!  Babe took the boys around the neighborhood while I sat still and manned the porch and the candy.  It was such a beautiful night, kids everywhere, friends and neighbors stopping by.  I just sat in my rocking chair on the front porch and soaked it all in.  I am so grateful for our lives.  While tired, it was a wonderful night filled with kids, friends, and lots of fun.  God is good.

A dear friend brought us dinner last night...precious that she could accomplish a meal for both us and her family on Halloween!  And I ate it.  Real food, solid food...and I was prepared to pay the price of skipping my regular chicken broth.  By the time I crawled in bed, I was starting to hurt a little, but I typically start hurting when I am overtired.  So, I took a pain pill.  And I never woke up.  This might seem small, but this is HUGE step for me not to wake up by 3am in excrutiating pain.  That is typically the time any whole food from dinner has found its way to one of my strictures that seems to be unphased by the steroids.  While I did wake up by 4am, it was not from pain in the least.  It was simply from the fact that I am on steroids and I don't sleep much.  I tried to lay in bed and sleep, but by 5am, I was on the couch working.  While steroids are not my drug of choice because of the icky side effects, they certainly allow me to be alert and get things accomplished if I am not in pain.  I remember very well moving into this house.  It was the day Hurricane Ike hit, we had no furniture and no food, so the boys and I headed to Bartlesville where I went directly to the hospital.  I was admitted for several days and returned to Houston amped on steroids and KICKED bootie moving into the house.  If I didn't have medicinal help, I would still be unpacking boxes...

I digress.  So...baby steps accomplished.  I feel like I made a small step forward last night having eating solid food and have yet to take a pain pill today!  Woo hoo!  I am realistic enough to know that for every step forward there will probably be a step back, but any step forward is cause for celebration.  I know if I don't take any more pain pills today, I will have some trouble coming off of them for a day or so.  Oh, how I hate taking something that causes such a detox!  However...grateful for the pain relief they have certainly provided over the last month.  I might be admitted to psych unit if it weren't for them...