I have SO many things to be grateful for. In regards to my health, I am not enduring the unbearable pain I had in October and November. I am not visibly ill. I am not malnourished. I am functioning. :) Truly grateful to just be functioning as a mom, a wife, a friend, a business owner. I have been able to increase my endurance considerably. I am back on the tennis court, I am walking and "trotting", but dare I say running :) God has truly blessed me and my family. I know this. And every time I visit one of my doctors, I am reminded of it.
I had an endoscopy today because I have been having some break thru symptoms again. Some pain, sensitivity to food, etc. At my last doctor's visit he confirmed that should definitely NOT be happening on the Humira and wanted to take a peek. My doctor has not been able to see the bottom of my stomach for over a year, as each time we have gone in, my stomach has been full of food. It hasn't been emptying properly. Thus, why the GI's in Houston felt it necessary to remove all the food in my stomach thru a tube in my mouth. While I forgive them, they tortured my throat to the extent that it is still sensitive to cold foods. {In hind site I wonder why, instead of pulling all my food out over 5 hours, didn't they wake me up and induce vomiting? Wouldn't that have been easier?}
My doctor, whom I love, walked in after I was all prepped for the scope and said in this thick accent to his nurse anesthetist, "This one. She's a fighter!" While I appreciate his encouragement, I found the moment get lost in space as I sat there and wished I didn't have to be a fighter. I had visions of the Mayo Clinic doctor telling me I should be in a wheelchair and for a brief moment wondered what it looked like to stop fighting. And for that brief moment, I exhaled at the thought. And very quickly I jumped back into my wonderful life with my amazing husband and adorable children that never stop loving me. Who wouldn't fight for this? It's hard to keep it all together at times, but isn't that the lesson we are here to learn? To trust in the Lord and lean not on our own understanding. In ALL our ways acknowledge Him and He will make our paths straight. He will take care of me. He IS taking care of me. After 15 years of doctors looking at me standing before them in disbelief at the severity of my illness, it has finally started to sink in that I really am a sick girl. But I don't choose to be a sickly girl.
While I was lost in my thoughts, the nurse announced that she was going to relax me and the fabulous juice came and I flittered off into a good place. I LOVE that juice! What seemed to be a minute later, I woke up in my recovery room with a new nurse telling me the scope was aborted and my stomach was full of food. They didn't want to risk aspiration. I was still loopy and hoped I was just in a dream....but I wasn't. They hadn't called Babe back yet and I was quickly becoming more coherent and I cried. Babe came in and I cried more because he started to get tearful. By the time my doctor came in, I was dried up and asked him, "What is wrong with me??" He knelt down and said, that he honestly didn't know. He can't see the exit to my stomach, it is obviously narrowed, it is obviously still working, but very very slowly. I am on the best meds. Surgery is my only option, but he, gratefully, doesn't want to encourage surgery, as there could be SO many other complications with surgery. We have no plan aside from continuing on my current meds. I was VERY sick six months ago and because I was SO sick it is possible that I could continue to see improvement with continued use of the Humira. He ultimately confirmed my fear in that the narrowing in my stomach is, once again, a stricture or callous of sorts. It can't be treated with anti-inflammatory drugs. It can't be treated unless I have a complicated surgery...that I am not going to have any time soon.
He said that since I am not vomiting {i have a couple times, but nothing consistent} and I am feeling well, that we just proceed with treating me clinically. ie..If I feel good, great. He doesn't want to continue to do scopes and fail. So...I have been instructed to chew well, eat healthy, and not eat things that can cause blockage.
Gratefully, Babe stepped in to make me dinner. I was doing fine this afternoon until I started to get really hungry and then I got frustrated and then sad. I really don't know what to think. But I do know that God is good. ALL the time. And I have been given ample opportunities to just trust and be still and know the HE is God.
