Blessings

I have had this song on my iPod for a year and I play it over and over.  Every time I play it, I cry, rather sob.  Laura Story is the artist and she wrote it while her husband was undergoing treatment for a brain tumor. I was so proud of her when she won a Grammy for Blessings.  I know it touched my life and I am sure MANY others.   Listen to the song HERE and click Track 5. Here are the lyrics to follow along:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home

'Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise


So many of the lyrics hit my heart starting with "Blessings thru Raindrops," which is why I even started My Intestimony.  I know that God will turn my illness into a blessing, be it for me, or for someone else.  The "Thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know you're near" and "the trials of this life are your mercies in disguise."  How many times can we all admit that Garth Brooks "Unanswered Prayers" has applied to our lives?  It's the same thing to know that ANY trial of our life is going to produce real fruit if we just hang on for the blessing to come.  God is FOR us, He loves us and He will not harm us.


I start to cry by the second verse:
We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe


I know how many times I have prayed for healing and also the tears of frustration and pain that follow.  I am ashamed when I am angry or when I don't feel that God is near...I know the Lord has bigger plans and He is just saying, "Penny!  Please trust me.  My plan is so much bigger than you!"  (See...I am crying now!)  I often think about my pain and think about how many OTHER people have had greater pain and how Jesus suffered to his DEATH on the cross..for me!  How can I complain about pain?


I know with confidence that I am learning about trials period.  I have had a great life with no big waves to speak of.  I had faith in my heart and in my mind, but now I am really learning to put it to the test.  And, I am being tested for sure.  Even more difficult for me than the pain, is the fact that it affects my family...and my kids!  I cry every time I think of missing something of theirs because of my health.  However, there are days like today where I just can't pretend I don't feel good.


And this part really gets me:
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home
It's not our home


SO TRUE!  If anyone would have ever asked me what my greatest fear was 10 years ago, I would have said without missing a beat "Eternity."  I know I am going to Heaven, I know thats where I want to be, and I know its GLORIOUS!  But I CANNOT comprehend eternity...forever and ever and ever and I drown in those thoughts and actually start to have a panic attack.  What is eternity?  My feelings have certainly done a 180 since then.  While I still don't comprehend eternity and am thrilled beyond words to be assured I am spending eternity in Heaven and not in Hell, I actually dream about being in Heaven.  To be without pain and to be able to be "normal" in how I eat (Do we even eat in Heaven?)  Just the thought of being renewed and my body will be whole again....(tears again!)  


Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy


Earth is NOT our home.  This is NOT our home and we should not get too comfortable here...because something beyond words is waiting for us! WHY in the world would we choose EARTHLY treasures for this short time when we will be in HEAVEN FOREVER?  (slight anxiety!)  If you have never thought about it that way...it's probably time you did. ;)

And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise

Parasite Cleanse

Since this little blog is a testimony to my journey through a major health crisis, I am learning to be more truthful with myself and those around me with how I really feel.  It is actually helping me to admit it more when I have a bad day...or week.  I never want to be a complainer and I always fear that people will think I am complaining if I voice my pain too much.  I still think it's a fine line.  But having this place to journal my feelings helps!  With that said, I have learned that I am more honest about my pain if I write while I am in it...as opposed to after I have recovered.

So, guess what?  The last 24 hours have been brutal.  I have been doing SO well.  My diet launched me to a new level, I had energy, I was starting to think about exercising again, I felt good for the first time in a long time.  I was able to "cheat" a little on the weekends, but always landed back on my diet for the week.  I also started acupuncture.  It has been a new experience for me and I am still watching for big results.  I am dreaming for the first time in years!  I really haven't dreamed since I had kids.  Since acupuncture, I have dreams every night.  I guess thats good?  When I told my acupuncturist about my entire health history, she asked if I had ever done a parasite cleanse.  Of course, I hadn't, but it sounded interesting since I did acquire Giardia the first week we moved to Houston.  She suggested I try it and I was willing.  I had just started recovering from the big detox and even Babe suggested I wait a bit to start something new.  "Let's just enjoy your good health right now, " he said.  I totally agreed.

So, I geared up and started the Parasite Cleanse last week.  It is very safe and easy and the more I read, I was thinking I should do this every once in awhile!  Without grossing everyone out, we do have parasites that we aren't aware of...from undercooked meat, from daycare centers, and more.  It is a simple regime with 6 pre-packaged pills in the morning and 6 pre-packaged pills in the evening for 10 days.  After the first two to three days, I started to get a skip in my step. Could this have been my problem all along? I was feeling great! However, yesterday was Day 6.  I started to get some pain in my stomach. I thought I just needed to eat, but it continued to get worse.  So great that I couldn't sleep.  UGH!  No more sleepless nights!  I thought I was over that!  By about 3am I started to get worried and got online to research the cleanse with greater detail.  Bingo!  The way the cleanse works is by taking natural herbs that create an acidic environment in the gut that parasites cannot live in.  Sounds fine to most people...but not to a girl with a massive bleeding ulcer in repair. My pain is a relapse in my ulcer.  After all the hard work, all the strict eating, I am so discouraged thinking I am back where I started from?

I am hoping and praying that I can get through this on my own.  I popped a Prevacid in the night and while I had moved back to one dose a day, I am stepping it back up to two.  Dear Lord, PLEASE don't let me get to the point of another blood transfusion.  I am hoping the increased dose of Prevacid will kick in and help me re-heal in the next few days.

I do know that I am on the mend.  While I have made HUGE strides forward, I know there will certainly be small steps backwards.  I just have to remind myself to focus on the prize.  I so often think of the verse from Psalm 34:8.  "Taste and see that the Lord is good.  How blessed is the man who finds refuge in Him."  I have tasted the feeling of good health over the last few weeks and it is SO good.  I can get there again!