Aargh! I really want to give that my best pirate voice..."Aaargh!" I know very well that this process is taking MUCH longer than I am comfortable with. I am OK with the slowness of my life, for the most part. I am OK with taking a nap most days:). I am even OK with spending more time around my house. It always feels good to slow things down when I feel like I have said, "Yes" to more than I should. What I am growing frustrated with is the pain. It's so frustrating to have a pretty good day and feel like I am making progress and then from left field, "Bam!"
Another mention of pain that I think I overlook a lot, but is probably so so common with GI patients is pain upon movement. Not sure how else to describe it. I can sit up and bed and think I feel pretty well. Then, the kids jump in my bed to snuggle or my littlest toot will waller on me and in a second I will feel bad again. It's the kind of pain that I probably deal with most on a daily basis and I always say I am "Ginger" when Babe asks how I am feeling. It makes me walk "Gingerly." It just causes me to slow down as the pain can strike as something really intense or stay dull and chronic for some time. I can't explain it.
So...on Sunday morning I woke up feeling well. I sat on the edge of my bed and still felt well. We went to church and I felt great! Babe even commented how good it was to see me smile. I felt that, too. I felt like I was more relaxed and easing back to my old self. I was really thinking, "This is it! The drugs are working!" I am sure that excitement allowed me to eat things I shouldn't. When I say "shouldn't" I just mean solid food. Bread is out of the question for me, as it can block my stomach easily. I try to eat things that are easy to chew and have to focus on chewing chewing chewing. Even still, if it can't pass it can't pass and Sunday night was miserable. I was so discouraged as I sat up in my bed on my computer trying to focus away from the pain....1pm, 2pm, 3pm. I took a bath at 3pm hoping for some relief on top of 2 pain pills back-to-back. 4pm, 5pm and the boys were up. I never slept. I can't even say I pulled all-nighters in college. So, the cycle continued. When I am overtired, I get other pains, but I couldn't sleep through the pain. Monday was miserable simply for recovering from Sunday night. Can I get an "Argh!"
I was really hopeful to be getting off the steroids, but after that, there's no way I can. I won't be able to eat at all and be right back where I started from, it seems. I will get my second round of shots on Saturday. I am hoping with that additional push of meds that it will help take more of the inflammation away. I guess my fear is that some of the strictures that cause the most pain are scar tissue and won't be healed by the medicine. If that is the case, then surgery is still the remedy to remove those strictures. However, now that I am on an immunosuppressant, surgery becomes even more risky because I won't be able to fight infection properly. And there is where my mind runs wild. I just can't let my thoughts get lost in the "What if's."
So...the progress goals are these. I should feel the effects of the medicine by 1-2 weeks. And I do feel that I am feeling some good effects. By 3 months, I should reach maximum results of the drugs. So, the way I see it is by mid-Jantuary I should know if there are permanent strictures. That is my prayer. No scar tissue and all inflammation to disappear. That doesn't seem like too steep of a request, does it Lord? :)
I just keep telling myself to be still. Just be still and stop trying to control. Be still and let my body heal, as there is SO much healing to take place. BE STILL.
Be still and know that I am God. Psalm 46:10
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